My short essay: Why goldfish make good pets for models.

Believe it or not, this is for political science. I got an A.

There is more to being a model than there is to being really, really ridiculously good-looking. They are caring and compassionate individuals. Unfortunately, they are also poor, shallow, dim-witted, and busy individuals. The issue of attempting to find an ideal pet for such an individual will be solved in this essay. I intend to prove that a goldfish is not only the most sensible pet for a budding model, but it is possibly the only sensible pet for an aspiring model. It is more affordable, clean, and idiot-proof than any other pet imaginable, and it also does not demand a lot of time or affection. Now, we shall proceed.
Despite popular assumption, a model who is just starting out, even one who gets plenty of high fashion jobs, still struggles to pay his or her bills. This often means that the model cannot afford a cuddly companion. However, there is always the exception of a goldfish. According to Petsmart, a goldfish can cost anywhere from seventy-five cents to three dollars. A full tank is more expensive to buy and operate, but one goldfish would be content with a simple bowl. A bowl of ten centimeters in diameter can cost as low as two dollars. Decals for the bowl, which can be as excessive or as subdued as one chooses, can cost as little as a dollar for a pack of marbles, but in a ten-centimeter bowl one would probably never fit more than four dollars worth of decals. There are many varieties of food appropriate for a goldfish (which I will elaborate on in more detail in a few paragraphs) but a bag of medium “sinking” pellets usually cost approximately four dollars and fifty cents. This means the initial cost of a goldfish is, at its highest, thirteen dollars and fifty cents. And the model will still have money for cab fair and a new weave!
Now obviously, to be a model one must be beautiful. There are many different definitions of beauty in the modeling world, from cute and commercial to unique and haunting, but ultimately cleanliness is the common factor. A fish's aesthetic beauty may be debatable and unique, but its cleanliness is undeniable. Because a fish is (hopefully) constantly contained within its bowl or tank, even a fish with the most spastic of colons can never dirty one's house with its excrement. A bowl is relatively simple to clean, as long as the model remembers to take the fish out and place him in another container of water. There is nothing more efficient than simply emptying the bowl, scrubbing the sides a bit, and filling it with more water. Another example of a goldfish's cleanliness is that it can rarely transmit any infection or ailment to its owner. With a dog one must worry about rabies, with a hamster one could acquire an infection, and we cannot forget about those countless allergies. A goldfish brings none of those issues into a house because petting, cuddling, and hugging are not required (or recommended) for goldfish. Essentially, when one does not have to worry about feces in the house, excessive cleaning, or serious infections, a goldfish is perfect for a beautiful person.
Though beautiful, models have never really been known to be remarkably intelligent. On an episode of The CW's America's Next Top Model, contestants struggled to pronounce words such as “magenta,” “au revoir,” and “chartreuse.” On Ben Stein's satyrical reality show America's Most Smartest Model, a contestant named VJ claimed that his parents were Native Americans because they were both born in California. Though the “stupid model” is clearly a stereotype, intelligence and common sense are not requirements for fashion modeling, but they are indeed required to own most pets. A goldfish is quite possibly the only pet which has no chance of being more intelligent than its owner (even if the owner is a dimwit who happens to be really ridiculously good-looking). Though the commonly-recited fact that a goldfish only has a three-second memory is wrong (it has recently been discovered that goldfish can store memories for close to three months), the memory still pales in comparison to a cat or dog's memory. Recognizing its caregiver (in the case of a goldfish, the person who gives it its fish-flakes) is not vital to the fish's happiness, so when the owner returns home after a few days with a new nose or a lifted brow, it is neither traumatizing nor disruptive to the goldfish's day. Forgetfulness in an owner is also not too much of an issue, because a goldfish can survive two out of five days without food. However, the model should be advised that when the fish is floating belly-up, it is not trying to get a tan; it is actually dead. The other wonderful quality of a goldfish is that it cannoy hear human activity, thus never has to learn its name. The nonresponsive fish can take on many different monikers, depending on the attention span of the owner. In the span of two weeks, a fish's name could change from Karl Lagerfeld to Fendi to Vivienne Westwood and the fish would not bat a non-existent eyelash. Because of its awful memory, its ability to sustain without food, and its lackluster hearing ability, a goldfish is well-suited for any young model, even those with an IQ in the double-digits.
Most importantly, a model's schedule is quite demanding and thus the deciding factor in what kind of pet would be appropriate for him or her. A model is constantly jetting off to photo shoots, go-sees (an audition-like process for runway and editorial jobs), runway shows, interviews, and fittings. Obviously, unless the pet fits in your purse he or she cannot accompany a model to a job (note: it is not wise to keep a goldfish in one's purse). A goldfish really has no choice but to stay at home in its bowl or tank. Fortunately, a goldfish is a pet that can survive on as little love and attention as possible. One of the more time-consuming jobs which comes with owning a goldfish is the cleaning of the tank. With the purchase of a few simple aquatic plants, the water is kept cleaner longer, which means less time is spent on cleaning the fish's tank and more time is spent on looking beautiful. Another issue which arrises is feeding. Goldfish can be left for a few days with pellets in their tanks for worry-free feeding. Also, goldfish are easily the least needy pets when it comes to walking (partly because they have no legs) and thus the model/pet-owner does not have to worry about taking the goldfish out for its daily sinful business. With little cleaning, little feeding, and absolutely no physical labour involved, a goldfish is ideal for someone constantly at fashion photo shoots (or glamorous parties full of beautiful people).
Everyone deserves another living thing to love, even those who are busy, shallow, possibly addicted to cocaine, and of course, far more beautiful than everyone else on the planet. A model, one of the most high-maintenance careers imaginable, requires a low-maintenance pet, and I have proven that a fish is ideally low-maintenance. A fish requires absolutely no financial strain, does not dirty a studio apartment, could never outwit even the dimmest of owners, and requires virtually no love and affection. For all these reasons and more, every model can and should own a goldfish, and preferrably nothing else.















































Works Cited

Goldfish Pass Memoy Test. 1 October, 2003. The Times. 17 January, 2009
[http://nootropics.com/intelligence/smartfish.html].

Petsmart Official Website. Petsmart. 17 January, 2009
[http://www.petsmart.com].



"The Girl Who Pushes Tyra Over the Edge." America's Next Top Model Cycle 4. Writ. Daniel J. Blou. Prod. Ken Mok. UPN. 3 Apr. 2005.

"Balls, Cherries, Balloons, Tires." America's Most Smartest Model 1. Writ. Ben Stein. Dir. Zach Kozek. VH1. 7 Oct. 2007.





















































“Go for the Goldfish”
Finding a Pet for the Really, Really, Ridiculously Good-Looking Elite





















Breanna-Lynn Mantha
(SID#: 080305870)
PO111 (Section A)
Dr. Karen Lochead
January 20th, 2008

*applauds*

Nice one! Poor goldfish... they're like the penny sweets of the marine world.

I care very deeply for my goldfish. His name is Van Mundergaarde The Second.

Bree-lin' in the Years wrote:I care very deeply for my goldfish. His name is Van Mundergaarde The Second.

I had three goldfish called Cook, Fluffy and Bart but they all died and I had to flush them.

My mom murdered Van Mundergaarde the First and his brother Emtarkanderundersgunderson. She claimed they were traumatized from our move but my dad revealled she poured Vim in their tank because she was sick of looking at them.

your essay was funny to read. the ANTM, the Zoolander, all exploited, but a great read.

My prof read parts of it out loud. The part about if a fish is floating belly-up, it's not trying to get a tan.

did people laugh?
you should do comedy for a living, i laughed at the vlog you made awhile back so hard.

A few people laughed at some of the stuff. Heh, it's weird, how come only strangers think I'm funny? The only thing I do that usually gets laughs are when I burn the guys in 208. Which I do pretty decently.

Bree I love it! I had no idea they could store memories that long and it was so rediculous all the way through. My favorite part was "This means the initial cost of a goldfish is, at its highest, thirteen dollars and fifty cents. And the model will still have money for cab fair and a new weave!". Educational and hilarious.

When I saw the name of that Smartest Model episode it made me laugh too. Do you remember that part? Balls, balloons, tires, cherries, balls, balloons, tires, cherries. GENUIS!!

I definitely have a girl-boner for Ben Stein, so I LOVED that show a lot. And while I played up the "models are stupid" stereotype I obviously don't believe that... but hey, some still are pretty dumb.