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Post  Jilpen on Sat Jan 31, 2009 9:42 pm

Here's an obnoxious recap:


The Girl Who Has Surgery"

Get comfortable... this one's gonna get long.

First of all, apparently Janice and Eva were in this episode.
If that's true, I don't care. I didn't watch it all.
Just throwing that out there for y'all.

Joanie's stoked cause her cocksucking blowup doll krumping photo was No.1
Brooke whines (again) about possibly going home
Nnenna's on the phone (again) aggravating her yummy boyfriend John.

The girls go to an ad agency.
They meet this guy who's kinda cute... possibly kissable.
They're going to have interviews with Deprise Brescia to land a commercial job.
But uh-oh Deprise isn't doing that.
She's a bitch actress here to tear the girls new assholes.
This should be fun!

Nnenna is deemed to fat and looks like a transvestite.
Nnenna thinks she's cute and doesn't look like a drag queen.

Danielle has that big gap in her teeth.
Danielle thanked her.

Joanie doesn't know how to smile.
Therefore Joanie didn't smile.

Furonda looks anorexic.
Well bitch DOES look anorexic. One point for Deprice!

Sara, Plain And Mall got some negative critiques
But she's so boring I don't fuckin' remember what they were.

Brooke got some too.
She cried. Not there, but trust me she did.

Jade is told she looks like a dude, has a big forehead, photographs harsh, etc.
Jade is used to such "cutthroatedness" that she turned the negatives into a positive.

I wonder who won the challenge?
Well d'uh to the fuckin' d'uh - JADE!
Choosing Nnenna (another shocker) to share her prize.

Now did EVERYONE have a prize waiting in the wings?
'Cause their prize showed up awful fuckin' fast.
Everyone else's prize wanted to be a prize.
But since the girl didn't win, they sent the prize back home?
Has ANYONE thought of this before?

The girls get home to see two big packages in their living room.
I'm ALL for big packages... and TWO? Papa's having a threeway!
Jade couldn't fathom what was in the box.
Jade breaks down and cries (in a truly heartfelt moment)
It was her mom!
Nnenna does NOT look too thrilled.
Well I'm thrilled. Her boyfriend John is SO cute.
Nnenna would've preferred her sister.
What a fucking bitch.
She kisses another guy and John's the bad guy? Sheesh!

Jade's mother offers her a fluff down.
Now if you're into gay porn... you should know that it's the WRONG word to use.
Cause when I think of fluffing.... well needless to say
Michael Rosenthal and Robbie Williams is in the picture.
Hell throw John in the mix, cause Nnenna don't want him.
John (like Shandi's Eric) seemed really cool.
Truly these models don't know how to let go...
Since when are straight men so logical?

Photo shoot time! - You're all going to be mindless dolls!

Brooke is going to be a glamour doll.
I'm sorry but what the fuck is a glamour doll?
A doll that's glamorous? Yeah got THAT....
But what the fuck is a glamour doll?
The Spice Girls dolls?

Danielle's going to be a marionette.
Danielle doesn't know what a marionette is.
Danielle is going to be the winner?
Wow is she dumb.
It's a doll with strings you dumbfuck!

Furonda's going to be a rag doll.
Shouldn't she be a praying manthis doll?
I don't like Aerosmith but I do like their song "Rag Doll"
Damn, I shoulda used THAT song in the video
At least she's not wearing her damn tiara!

Jade's going to be a mannequin.
You'll notice that Tyra's in the shot.
At least her name; narcissistic bitch.
Jade gets an unfair advantage.
Remember week one?

Joanie is going to be a ventriloquist's dummy
Joanie gets to sit on a guy's lap
Joanie really does have a stupid smile
The guy's cute in a Ralph Fiennes kinda way.
He was clearly looking at some guy off camera.

Nnenna's going to be a baby doll.
She never had one growing up.
Uh-Oh - that's an excuse- that's a big no-no
She gets a wig.
Why the fuck did they shave her head then?

Sara is a teen doll.
So dolls go through puberty now?
Do they smoke? Drink? Have sex?
Well this one does.
Seriously Sara looks like a plastic prostitute. GREAT role model indeed!

Afterwards they get to go to the dentist.
Joanie gets $30,000 in dental work over two days.
They wanted to fix the snaggle tooth.
So why'd they pull FOUR teeth?
Danielle refuses to get her gap fixed.
Good for her.
Everyone else gets their teeth whitened.
Jade sucks the sweat out of Jade's forehead.

What, ANOTHER phoo shoot?
Shit, my fingers are getting tired y'all!
It's the whole black and white thingy.
Tyra's gonna stick chapstick in their eyes and make them cry
(see my video for my best jokes).

Brooke's probably crying over getting a lousy photo (again)
Danielle's probably crying because she knows she's gonna get a beatdown over her gap
Furonda's probably crying because she's not the queen diva in the room
Jade's probably crying out of happiness to see her mom.
Joanie's probably crying over the pain of her mouth.
Nnenna's probably crying over the pain of her boyfriend.
Sara's probably crying because she hasn't been to a mall in weeks!

Panel time.
Shit happens.
Brooke goes home.
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Post  Hottamaletrain on Sat Jan 31, 2009 9:43 pm

I think it is her, she's my friend on facebook and she always posts new photos of herself. I'm guessing it is, i totally responded o her lol
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Post  Hottamaletrain on Sat Jan 31, 2009 9:53 pm

That recap was sexual in all the wrong ways Crying or Very sad
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Post  younevergofullretard on Sat Jan 31, 2009 9:55 pm

He's messed up.
Jilpen, WHERE'd you get this from???

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Post  Jilpen on Sat Jan 31, 2009 9:55 pm

His myspace.
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Post  younevergofullretard on Sat Jan 31, 2009 9:57 pm

Jilpen wrote:His myspace.

So you have access to his myspace??? Why didn't you tell me!!

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Post  Hottamaletrain on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:00 pm

Yeah, what gives!

O and I checked facebook and messaged lauren. She said it really was her! Very Happy
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Post  younevergofullretard on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:01 pm

That's awesome. Suddenly I feel so pathetic for sitting around and talking about girls that I don't know personally. pale

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Post  Jilpen on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:07 pm

Here's Another Pathethic One:


"The Girl Needs A Miracle"

Ooo is this one going to be lengthy...

Makeovers, makeovers, make me a match... braid me some hair, or chop it off...

The girls go to the Louis Licari salon where it's makeover madness! - But since this is the cycle of "Bling It On". They don't get makeovers, they get makeovers with personal styles to boot! Doesn't matter if these personal styles are stupid or do NOT match the hair OR the girl. It's just so that they can tell the girls to do something else and hold it against them!

Bre is going straight. Um. Really? No wonder she and Kim got along so well at the beginning. Oh her hair is going straight. Sorry, I never noticed. But she gets to be ghetto fabulous. Ain't nothing fucking fabulous about her; bitch is just ghetto.

Coryn is getting long blond hair and they're gonna trim her eyebrows. Coryn has trouble making her face soft. Taking a lawnmower to those caterpillars isn't going to help her. Coryn now has a personal style of sophisticated. Nothing screams "sophisticated" like calling someone an alcoholic bitch.

Kyle is getting her hair dyed chocolate brown. Cut out the brown and just pop her head under the ice cream dispenser from Dairy Queen. Mmmm... chocolate - She's also going to be Chanel with an edge. OK. So blonds can't be edgy? I dunno...

Sarah is going to get an asymmetric cut. She has ENOUGH trouble standing on her own two feet, now you're going to make her head lopsided? Way to fuckin' go you guys. She's going to be a "Ralph Lauren girl". Um, first she's making out with girls and now she's fucking old men. Her boyfriend must be really proud of her.

Diane is going to get wheat colored hair... like on a prairie... I'm sorry but I don't think they're allowed to have plus sized girls on the prairie.... after all the plowing and harvesting they'd be skinny. Diane is going to be dressy casual. How the fuck does that work? Dressy is the OPPOSITE of casual. You can be dressy, you can be casual. You could probably be casually dressy but I stopped caring.

Jayla is going to have long extension; allowing her to look more "galumphy". Don't get used to your hair Jayla. She'll also going to be Yves. St. Lauren chic. How can long hair be chic? Don't they say long hair isn't versatile. Criminy I've got a headache.

Nik is going to get sunkissed blonde. Well that WOULD explain Nik's lips. Kiss the sun and they're bound to get burnt and puffy. She's going to be bohemian chic. The first one that actually feels RIGHT! That's 1 for 7 so far!

Kim is going to get red hair. After all they can't shave her head because that would be TOO lesbionic. Despite the fact that a lesbian BALD model showed up in a later cycle (the chick from "Pret-A-Porter" and "Fifth Element" - wow two people from "Fifth Element" has been on ANTM how fuckin' awesome is that?) - She's also going to be a femme boy. And this is NEW? Well 2 for 8 I suppose.

Lisa is going to go darker to make her eyes pop out. Um, isn't she the one with bubble eyes? Do we REALLY want them to bug out even more? Maybe she sees things that we don't. Maybe it WAS Cousin It! - Although it WOULD explain her obsession with bubbles. She wants to go more dramatic to match her demure personality. Her style is early supermodels. So that would be Twiggy? Which would be mod. Which would be WRONG!

Nicole is getting a hair weave to give her more curl and more volume. Allowing her head to look pea-sized. She's going to be a 90's wide-eyed supermodel. - Wouldn't bubble-eyed Lisa be appropriate for "wide eye"? I'm truly giving up here...

Ebony is getting braids down to her ass. Because long hair is SO versatile (see Jennipher C3) and braids are SO versatile (see YaYa C3). Clearly Ebony is fucked. 13 hours in a chair she can't feel her ass. Bitch is so fucked. But she gets to be "casual with an edge". Dress casual with edgy non-model hair.

and of course

Cassandra is going to get the infamous Rosemary's Baby haircut. Now Tyra knew what she wanted. So did the Jays. So did the salon people. Yet Cassandra LEFT the salon looking the way she did. They fucked Cassandra. They fucked her with a hacksaw, chainsaw, axe and rocket launcher. Unlubricated. This was deliberate. This was a mental mindfuck. What's worst is Cassandra looked INCREDIBLE with that hairdo. She's also going mod. Hmmm... why not just say give her the fuckin TWIGGY haircut? Wait, if Tyra had asked for that, Cassandra would have gotten a fuckin Horse Mane or something LOL

Challenge time! - Look there's a... wait, what IS that.... no, that can't be... it's a drag queen clown? Wait is it human? It has a name? James St. James is it? Why not just give Cassandra THAT hairdo? Jesus fuck. This guy fuckin' scares me like no other! - The girls get to shop on Rodeo drive. They've given some money. Not one of them thinks of pocketing the money. How the hell can they afford anything anyway. James St. James follows them around like Pennywise. Cassandra asks "is this mod?" one too many times.

The girls return to be evaluated. Nicole broke a shoe. So Rodeo Drive sells cheap shit, huh? Cassandra isn't mod. Lisa wins. Of course she does, she knows her shit. She gets to pick a couple of friends. Ebony of course... and Kim... Strangely Kim mocked Lisa earlier in the episode. Or right afterwards. Two-faced slut. Lisa gets three articles of clothing that the other girls are wearing (so wait... they were given money to shop and now they're going to RETURN these clothes? Wow is ANTM cheap or what? Oh wait, they need the money to pay for Twiggy I guess). She chooses Cassandra's pants, Jayla's pants and something else. Ebony takes Diane's shoes. Kim takes Kyle's pants. Kyle has to strip down in front of Kim. Kim gets a hard-on. The girls have to go back to the house. Kyle bottomless. Diane barefoot. Well she IS the prairie girl!

Photo Shoot time. Pick a girl. Cassandra and Jayla hook up. Sarah and Coryn. Diane and Nicole. Bre and Nik. Kim and Kyle. Ebony and Lisa. They're going to model the same outfit as their friend. Apparently they have an outfit that'll fit both Diane and Nicole. I guess Miracle Gro is involved? Lisa bemoands the fact that she has small tits compared to Ebony. I guess someone needs to pass the Miracle Gro? Cassandra needs a miracle. Someone hand her the Miracle Gro. Kim thinks she's going up against the prettiest girl in the competition. So Kim stripped Kyle and thinks she's the prettiest. That's why she's fucking Sarah. Stupid slut! Ebony has trouble on the shoot (well yeah she's up against Lisa, d'uh!) and they tell her to flip her hair.

Panel time! - Coryn looks like Tyra. And this is said like it's a good thing. Twiggy it turns out is ghetto. James St. James says he would hate to see Ebony's roll. Well frankly I'd hate to see James St. James nude. I'd rather stare at Janice's overgrown bush for an hour before even remotely seeing James St. James in anything other than a full wardrobe of clothes on his body. Ebony is immediately excommunicated from the competition. Gee I wonder why? Because she did what she was told on set? Because she was given hair that they made her get. Frankly I think this ranks in the top 20 of biggest bullshit eliminations. Not because of the photo, but because she NEVER had a chance due to what everyone ELSE did to her.
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Post  Karasu on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:09 pm

I never fcking understood his lame callouts they were like .77888899565695865065806956056/9878/000#$#%#----------wtf is that???
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Post  younevergofullretard on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:09 pm

Jilpen, I repeat, do you have access to his myspace? If so, you must be able to see his photos, riiiiight???

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Post  Hottamaletrain on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:13 pm

Thank you, I thought I was the only one that didn't understand them Sad
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Post  Jilpen on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:28 pm

His pictures are too small.
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Post  Karasu on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:29 pm

I wanna see too lol
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Post  younevergofullretard on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:30 pm

But are you friends with him? Because I can see his main picture if I go to his myspace, but no mo' than that, Fo sho.
Come on, show us the pictures. bounce

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Post  Hottamaletrain on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:32 pm

pictures plz!
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Post  Jilpen on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:33 pm

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Post  Hottamaletrain on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:40 pm

OMG YOU WERE RIGHT... I will never doubt you again Jilpen!
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Post  younevergofullretard on Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:57 pm

But the profile is private. I can't access anythiiiiing. Or do I have to be logged in?

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Post  Jilpen on Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:01 pm

I think you have to be logged in.
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Post  younevergofullretard on Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:08 pm

So, logged in. Still, it says Private, the person has to have me on his friends list. Just post the goddamn pictures alright!!! Laughing Laughing Laughing

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Post  Karasu on Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:10 pm

lol request him lolol
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Post  Avess on Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:13 pm

He's round old hairy and has a beard and glasses and he's gay
And I want him to die
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Post  Jilpen on Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:13 pm

ignore - Page 4 L_fc5d11" alt="" />
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Post  younevergofullretard on Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:14 pm

Maybe I can pretend to be one of his fans, and yeah, Karasu, then I'll request him. BAHAAHHAHAHA.

And jilpen, was that you trying to post a pic? If it was, it says only [img][/img] Very Happy

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