HIS TRUE, BUT NOT SO HOLLYWOOD STORY!

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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:51 am

[b]HIS TRUE, BUT NOT SO HOLLYWOOD STORY!
By Ballard Mer Ross
[/b]



There comes a time in your life when you begin to wonder whether or not what you are doing is actually going to make the grade in a world that has been conditioned to standards not everyone is capable of meeting. I myself am struggling at the moment to fully understand the purpose of my sole being here on earth. So when I sat down with Mikiel, a contestant from Cycle 3 of Internet Movie Database's Next Top Model, or better known as INTM, I knew that through the process of our speaking with each other, we would evenutally come to find ourselves and become the moth in a dark tunnel, only trying to find the light, we clearly posses.



I sat down at posh cafe in Southern California waiting for Mikiel to arrive. I ordered a soy chai and it came in a really trendy bowl like mug. With it being nearly 60 degrees outside, it was the perfect temperature to not only keep warm, but enjoy the beautiful day. I looked all around me and saw people walking to the beat of their own drum, but as I turned my head I noticed a guy walking not to the beat of his own drum, but nor to the beat of any percussion orchestrated by a life that is mapped out. Something was different about his energy, and I immediately knew it was Mikiel.

He grabbed the chair and sat down. I couldn't sense much of anything, and for me, I didn't read it as a burden, but a mystery, a book I am dying to read. He ordered a water and we began the interview process.

BALLARD: First I would like to thank your for coming out and having some coffee with me so that we can discuss a little bit about your life and stuff.

MIKIEL: Oh not a problem at all.

I stared at Mikiel for just a moment, while I gathered my information and questions. I noticed a huge smile on his face and it stuck me as odd. I have always known people to be excited at the event of something new, but something about his silent happy existence, didn't strike me as threatening, but very deep in meaning. So now it was time to really get the interview started. I wanted to start with a question that I don't think people have asked themselves very often, if at all.

BALLARD: Who is Mikiel? Where does he come from and where is he going?

I could tell that, the minute I asked the fragment of a tough question, the silent deminor began to open a door to a world, I was not ready for.

MIKIEL: I'm someone from south central California with many ambitions that only get held back by self-confidence! I was a big bitch back in the day in every aspect of the word. I'm trying to be positive now and my hair cut was more of a release from myself. You don't realize how much of your past you carry around with you and something as little as cutting your hair, just bam, it feels good.

BALLARD: What was causing you to be so angry? Why where you the person that you hate so much now?

MIKIEL: I just went through a lot of things when I was young and I always pitied myself. I felt like if I were to be bitchy, angry, depressed, whatever, it would help me deal with my problems better; but then I grew up and realized that everyone goes through rough patches in life, and they should all grow from it rather than be a victim.

As someone who struggles everyday to find happiness, I knew that this interview was going to very very hard to sit through. I didn't understand it. How could someone who was supposedly going through so much, be sucha fulfilled person today? I remained in the interview in search for more answers.

BALLARD: What was it specifically that made you go from hate, hate, hate; to maybe this isn't just me, it's so much bigger than me; do you remember anything specifically that made you realize that?

MIKIEL: I remember waking up one morning, initially I didn't know where I was, but you as hard as it is sometimes, and as graphic as life can be, I began to remember the night before. I woke up in the hospital after my suicide attempt. Everything just kinda clicked in my head after that, and I realized that living was worth it. Maybe I could be a role model to those that feel like life isn't worth living anymore.

BALLARD: Take me back, I want to experience it with you, what happened during the day of your attempted suicide?

MIKIEL: I remember that the day started out exceptionally better than usual until I got home. My parents were arguing, as usual, and I went to go cut myself for a release. My little brother walked in and he went to tell my mom, and tears just kept pouring. I felt so embarrassed and just wanted to vanish from the face of the earth because I couldn't deal with the "love" that my mom was expressing. I hate the feeling of love with every fiber of my body so I took some drastic measures to overcome it. Fortunately, I wasn't smart so I didn't know about the whole "across the street" thing. I went through life learning lessons the hard way and alone which has made me a stronger person. That's probably why I don't want to be a role model because I fuck up all the time. I wouldn't be setting the best example.

He smiled just then. I felt every single word with the largest effect and I didn't know what to do. How do you compile a successful analysis of someone's response, when everything seems to come from the heart; but with the simple pose of a smile, something so pure, the mode changed. I knew that getting to the inside of Mikiel's mind, wasn't going to be easy, but the outcome would be worth it.

BALLARD: So what exactly where you mad at or what was it then caused you so much pain?

MIKIEL: Everything from mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. I just couldn't take it at that point and time. The feeling of not being able to talk to anyone about it or the fear of someone finding out your secrets. I'm amazed I'm not dead. Guess I was one of the lucky ones.

BALLARD: You said sexual abuse, I don't need you to go into that in detail, becuase I feel like that's very personal, but that can have such a huge toll, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Are you gay or straight or bisexual, and the reason I am asking that is because you are a voice that whether or not you think is strong, it can be heard, so how does one play into the other?

MIKIEL: I waver between being bisexual, pansexual, and asexual. Maybe not so much asexual, but at this moment in my life, I'm not really sexually attracted to anyone or anything. I personally don't think that my past plays a role in my sexuality, but everyone I've talked to seems to feel like it does. I know how I react to things is affected by my past because if those things never were to happen to me, I'd be a totally different person. For better or worse.

BALLARD: Do you ever blame something in your past for being bisexual? I know personally, I don't blame anything, but I do feel like my unability to have someone fully commit, seems oddly enough a good enough reason, to say, I'll date everyone until I find love.

MIKIEL: If I weren't bi I probably wouldn't have been as catty as I was hehe! I blame my fear of commitment on it too. I know eventually that I'd want some action from another gender eventually so that's why I don't do relationships.

BALLARD: Some people can argue that with a abusive sexual past it can linger in the persons begaviour in the future, do you think that, this is what's happening now?

I can tell that I was getting to him. I wasn't intentionally trying to open up a closet full of bones, but my curiosity just lingered in me and spewed out. I would soon come to understand that the person I initially thought Mikiel was, was the person that he might just be puttin on.

HIS TRUE, BUT NOT SO HOLLYWOOD STORY! Mikiel
MIKIEL: I was sexually abused by a stranger but I don't have a fear of strangers. I like strangers. More than anything! I'd think that it'd have an opposite effect where I'd have trust issues. I only have issues with trust with my parents or people that I know well.

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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:53 am

BALLARD: I understand what you are talking about. It seems like if someone has something crazy happen in thier life, it can either damage them or keep them attracted, in some odd way. Almost like growing up without a father, a young girl could only date older men, or never trust any man, claiming all men will walk out on her. In some weird way I think that's what happened with you. So, if you could say anything to anyone that feels like they are going through some situation you had went through, what would you say to them, before they make a life ending decision?

MIKIEL: Just stop and think about what you're actually doing. There is always something to live for and you're not alone. You'd be surprised at how many people are going through what you've gone through. Look and you will find support. Ending your life should never be an option for anyone.

BALLARD: That's exactly what a great textbook answer would be like, but if you where in the bathroom with them and you had to just be realistic with them and upfront, what would you say, just raw and uncensored!? The reason I am asking you that is because I feel like people in thoose situations already know that. I feel like it's become a standard response, and sometimes it best just to hear the blunt honest truth, without being rude.

MIKIEL: Sorry I can't bring myself to give a reply.

BALLARD: Why, what's going on in your head right now?

MIKIEL: With my experience, I just felt like it was the right moment to just "go" and there was probably nothing someone could say that would stop me. It was only after my attempt that everything just kinda made sense in my head. I have no clue how to express that since I've kinda turned emotionless. Hardly anything phases me now, and I just have a default of happy. I really wish I had something to say (from the heart) but I really don't since it wouldn't be honest.

It may not have been the answer I was looking for, but it's the answer the world needs to hear. As I finished the rest of my Chai, I came to realize that Mikiel didn't know how much of an inspiration he actually is. How many times in modern media have we seen people claim they are what a role model should be, but I find people are learning more from people going through rough times.

BALLARD: Do you think you will ever find true love?

MIKIEL: No. I've seen what it has done to people that I am around and even feeling the smallest side-effects of getting your heart broken are something that I am not even remotely interested in. Although, this sounds very harsh, I would rather "Hit it and Quit It."

I was starting to see that Mikiel had become conditioned to a different type of reality. One where only a few people on this world have been living through, but I also sensed a very strong person under all the passive attitude.

BALLARD: You said you weren't sure you would ever find true love. Jokingly, but its still an honest answer. I think we are slowly discovering that you may be one of those people, that laughs about everything, because it's just the easiest and fastest way for you to get over a past, you wish you could overcome, and you did, the best way you know how. Are we missing anything?

MIKIEL: Well you pinned the tail on the donkey. I tend to laugh things off just to shrug things off ASAP. If ya have a smile on your face, people will think you're happy. If people think you're happy, they'll feel happy themselves. That's what we all live for anyway right? For the pursuit of happiness.

I was beginning to reminise about my own past when Mikiel said that. I started also seeing a little bit of myself in him. But I began to wonder; how could someone sacrifice their apperance for the selfishness of others. But as Mikiel showed me, apperance on the outside, even the obvious emotions aren't as powerful, nor important as the passion and drive on the inside.

BALLARD: Does it ever bother you that people think you may be happy, when you feel really hurt inside?

MIKIEL: Nope. It doesn't bother me at all! I like it when people think I'm happy. Its hilarious though! Whenever I get super mad or depressed I can't stop smiling! I try not smiling but it just makes it worse hehe. People then think I'm having a great time but I don't bother to correct them.

BALLARD: Have you fallen victim to anything else that really effects you today?

MIKIEL: My past with eating disorders still lingers around every once in a while. I used to be overweight and my parents would make fun of my weight ALL the time! They didn't think it was hurting me at all so I'd eat less and less every day. I'd also purge my food occasionally if I felt like I ate more than what my body could burn off on its own. Today I still have some issues with it. My friends think I'm skinny, but when I look in the mirror, all I see are rolls and stretch marks.


BALLARD: When do you think you will be able to look in the mirror and think, "I am beautiful, I am healthy, I am me."?

MIKIEL: I can't give you a definite answer. But I'm getting better at it. My little brother is a size 0 in woman's clothing and I could almost fit into some of his clothes. But I am not really sure when that day will come.

BALLARD: With all this going on in your head, how do you live through your moments, are they one day at a time or can you see a future for yourself?

MIKIEL: I don't take it one day at a time. I over-analyze everything too much! I set these standards for so many things and I set goals to meet them. My life is essentially mapped out already hehe. Well not entirely; still have some things that I need to think out more like career and such. I'm curious to see if my life plays out the way I want it to in my head.

BALLARD: What if it doesn't play out that way!? Have you prepared for the unexpected?


MIKIEL: "Failure is not an option!" I have no clue what I'd do! I'll probably just take it as a lesson and store it with the countless others. I'm a sucker for learning things the hard way! Makes me that much more enjoyable to myself.

BALLARD: What do you enjoy in life other than modeling, something that people would not expect?

MIKIEL: I love singing! Even though I'm a horrible singer or maybe I'm being too tough on myself like I always am, I really like doing it! I even tried out for American Idol! Very funny story! I'm going to try out for the next season because I hope to have more confidence in myself by then.

BALLARD: That's funny, because with some of the problems you have with your self image, you have entered in a modeling competition and seem to be dealing with the critique and comments pretty well, but it's a little different, because you don't know most of these people personally, they aren't in your face giving you the comments, how did you deal with auditioning for American Idol?

MIKIEL: I love being critiqued! Well I do now. Constructive criticism is just so inspiring to me. I want to know what people think about my pictures and where I can improve on. Its another way for me to please people because I'm just one giant pleaser! You tried out for American Idol too? That's hilarious! Very Happy I wait out in the cold for about 5 hours freezing my butt off to sign up for the damn thing. The day of the auditions, I get interview by one of their producers, or something, and get my picture taken by someone. I felt excited because it felt like I was being acknowledged and that I had a shot at making it with my look! Another 8 hours go by and I finally get to meet with the producers to sing a song.
"I can't remember the words to that song! I'm sorry"
The producers talk to eachother and we're all rejected, except for that obnoxious pink shirted guy. Hehe I told my mom that I didn't get to sing because I was too nervous and she laughed!

BALLARD: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? Why?

MIKIEL: I'd want to live some place in Europe, or maybe even Canada. They seem more tolerant of others. But maybe that's me being naive hehe. But its not really where I'd want to live, its when I'd like to have lived! If I were my age during the 70s or 80s I would've enjoyed life so much more! The music, the sex, the fun, everything would've been so much better.

BALLARD: What is your favourite type and/or thing about music?

MIKIEL: My favorite type of modern music is indie stuff. It makes me feel giddy on the inside! *smile* I like the old jazzy/bluesy sound too. Big, powerful voices is my thing to listen to hehe: think Fantasia type of screeching I like that music can evoke emotions from people and help them through whatever they are going through. Or negatively encourage someone to do bad things haha! Music is a part of our culture today and its amazing that its still here and it will be for quite a while

BALLARD: Exciting. What is your favourite type of movie?


MIKIEL: A drama with sex, murder, and a psycho-bitch in it. Movies like Basic Instinct and Fatal Attraction! I fall instantly in love with them no matter how cheesy they can be. Like American Psycho 2 was horrible, but I still loved it because of the main character. Maybe I find them to be relatable? I don't know but I just love them.

BALLARD: What is your favourite swear word?

MIKIEL: Bitch. Its such a flexible word that can be used for all occasions! Compliments, insults, nouns, verbs, you name it! I'd name my child "Bitch" if I could. Like I'd ever want them.

The mood lightened. After all of my tough questions. I figured it was enough for me to gather my conclusion on a complex individual.

BALLARD: If you could makeout with one person for 7 minutes from IMDB, who would it be?

MIKIEL: INTM right? Oh god this is going to be embarrassing haha! Lets see, cycle 1 will have to be.. hm..? Giant_can haha! Cycle 2 will have to be.. um.. Krissy! Cycle 3 I'd say.. this one is so tough hehe! Probably Sara.

BALLARD: In the opposite side of the spectrum, who would you love to fist fight?

MIKIEL: Probably Marlee because she seems like the only person who'll I'd have the slightest chance at winning against. I can't fight to save my life hehe! She'd still probably kick my ass!

BALLARD: If you had only one chance to say to us here on the boards, one thing that would change our minds about you, what would you say?

MIKIEL: "Bow down to me or else I'll turn the rest of your remaining time in this competition hell!" hehe I'll probably be changing minds for the worse, but you did ask to try and change minds.

BALLARD: Awesome! I figured I would ask one last question. Who is Mikiel?

MIKIEL: Mikiel is fabulous, ferocious, and most importantly, fierce!

I conclude. I finally now see this quiet and demur competitor of INTM's Cycle 3 in a new light. It was a struggle to get to this point. When I first meet Mikiel, he seemed to have the answer planned out. He seemed to already know what he wanted everyone to believe. As the interview went on we see the layers uncover a human being who on the inside is still very unsure. As we concluded you can see Mikiel express his confidence, but is it confidence or is it a way for him to hide the past that still haunts him today. I can only hope that the confident and strong passion burning in Mikiel, is as real as it is said.

This interview was one the most shocking interviews that I have ever been through and I hope that after all this is over. We all begin to understand that the human complex reaches us all.

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Post  Jonny-boy on Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:54 am

interesting. good article.
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Post  Jonny-boy on Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:56 am

the second part was better. =]
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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:57 am

DUDE YOU READ FAST!

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Post  Jonny-boy on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:01 am

you have no idea. i'm not kidding.
i used to be a nerd.
i was reading at a college level by my final year of elementary school.

too bad i realized it was pointless and only put it to use when reading extra-long books for my entertainment.
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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:07 am

WOW! That's funny. I'm glad you liked the interview!

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Post  Karasu on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:17 am

That was really good!!

Are you going to do anymore?
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Post  Jonny-boy on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:26 am

he's going to do me, but i don't know when.
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Post  younevergofullretard on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:29 am

That sounds very naughty, Jonnyboy.

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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:31 am

I am looking to do more interviews for sure, but I am not really sure which one of you assholes I want to sit and talk with, but who knows. LOL. I attempted to do an interview with Milla, but he is just way to arrogant for my liking. I would ask him question after question and he was like, NO I'M THE BOMB, I'M HOTT, I'M SEXY, it was really pointless. I mean I couldn't sense any ounce of humanity in him, it was really weird. He is still a cool person, but I just don't think he is very open to expressing his feelings as I would like him to be in an interview scenario. But...whatever. The people I really want to interview on these boards are:

SWEET_LESUS
BREE
MIKIEL
MARLEE
LAUREN
KARASU
DEACON

I don't know when either, but I would love to do JONNY!

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Post  younevergofullretard on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:37 am

Why do you want to interview deacon when he's gone, baby, gone?

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Post  MikielJoe on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:51 am

Woah Ballard! You spent a lot of time making that pretty! hehe Yay I like it Very Happy I thought this would be up on Sunday though haha

P.S: Hey I like that picture of me. I didn't know people actually looked through my albums Smile
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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:54 am

because i have always got the feeling that through the pms we have sent back and forth from each other that there was this person that was hurting on the inside.....really bad and because i think he is interesting


it was supposed to be up sunday, but i figured now is just the right time, it just felt right
and yeah it took about an hour getting all of our stuff kinda in order

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Post  MikielJoe on Sat Feb 07, 2009 5:56 am

cool Smile hope everyone enjoys it as much as i did Very Happy you put a ton of work into this^^

i wanna see more interview now^^ sounds like you'll be having a busy time here ballard haha
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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:00 am

yeah i hope so, i really want to interview people, i like doing it

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Post  MikielJoe on Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:04 am

is it just a hobby of yours or are you thinking about taking it to the next level?
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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:10 am

i really want to take it to the next level, but i don't think i am ready for it.

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Post  Hottamaletrain on Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:13 am

Your so complex Mikiel. You've been thru a lot in such a short time.


PS I was right, SOMEONE was trying to throw us off their track!!! Very Happy
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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:14 am

HAHA, I was laughing on the inside the whole time everyone was guessing!!!

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Post  Hottamaletrain on Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:16 am

I just figured the wrong person was lying lol Turns out I trusted Mikiel too much HAHAHA Razz
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Post  MikielJoe on Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:21 am

haha sorry about being deceitful! i found it hilarious though Very Happy
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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:23 am

hahaha i wouldn't trust any of them.

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Post  Jonny-boy on Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:35 am

do me Ballard. xD
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Post  ballardmerross on Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:37 am

i am bitch!



check yo myspace!

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